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Posts tagged ‘brahma vihara’

Opening the heart to delight in the good fortune of others

This week we reach the third of the Brahma Viharas, or Divine Abiding meditations. To summarise what we have covered so far Thanissaro Bhikkhu gives the following clear and succinct description of the first three meditations in this set of four. We’ll cover the last one, equanimity, in another blog.

The brahma-viharas, or “sublime attitudes,” are the Buddha’s primary heart teachings — the ones that connect most directly with our desire for true happiness.

Of these four emotions, goodwill (metta) is the most fundamental. It’s the wish for true happiness, a wish you can direct to yourself or to others. Goodwill was the underlying motivation that led the Buddha to search for awakening and to teach the path to awakening to others after he had found it.

The next two emotions in the list are essentially applications of goodwill. Compassion (karuna) is what goodwill feels when it encounters suffering: it wants the suffering to stop. Empathetic joy (mudita) is what goodwill feels when it encounters happiness: it wants the happiness to continue.

Empathetic Joy (or sympathetic joy, altruistic joy) as a meditation is allowing our heart to take pleasure in the happiness of another and to wish that it may continue and deepen. It is the antidote to jealousy or envy.

Looking at the photo at the top of this email which emotion comes up? Joy for the person and the wish that their experience may continue? A frantic sense that one should book a flight right away so that one might be there? Or a secret hope that a storm is about to blow in and the rest of their holiday will be spent shut up in the hotel!

These different potential responses show the range of our emotional response. We may feel sympathetic joy – delight in their happiness and the wish that it may continue. But if we do not feel this it may go to the near or far enemy. The near enemy of sympathetic joy (an emotion which appears to be what we wish to cultivate but is not as wholesome) is exuberance, which is defined as ” grasping at pleasant experience out of a sense of insufficiency or lack.” Rather than simply delighting in the happiness of another or a situation there is grasping at it in an attempt to avoid the feeling of lack or emptiness in one’s life.

I know someone who has been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. She was always very bubbly and laughing – so much so that other people used to say she was a bit too much and they felt exhausted by her. After years of battling her condition alone and trying to hide it she sought help and was given a diagnosis and her behaviour changed. She was no longer trying to show everyone how happy she was and instead was able to be more authentic, letting us know when she didn’t feel so great, saying that she struggled with leaving work and having to check the windows and doors were locked five times. She changed her work and became a dog groomer, something she could do at home, and by managing the things that caused her stress she was able to settle and now is in a much more centred and grounded place where she can express happiness but not as a mask or act to convince others she is well.

In this Facebook world where we look around and see others showing their happy face all the time it can feel hard to be authentic and express our struggle. We are like Eleanor Rigby who “Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for?” but now our window is the internet.

The far enemy of each meditation in this set is the opposite emotion to the one we wish to cultivate. For sympathetic joy the far enemy is resentment. Seeing someone else feeling happy and having good fortune when we are unhappy or struggling it can be hard to feel happiness for them. It is the hatred of an Iago for Othello and the plotting of his down fall, the snide remark that seeks to puncture another’s happiness or the secret hope that it will all end in tears. We can find it hard to acknowledge we are feeling such a toxic emotion and may seek to justify it: “they are so up themselves they need to be brought down a peg or two”, “I’m just saying the truth” or whatever we need to hear to justify being the rain cloud on someone’s parade!

The Buddha compared empathetic joy to a mother seeing her child doing well and feeling joy for and with the child. This shows the simplicity of the emotion. We feel happy for the other person as a separate individual, not because it benefits us or we get anything from the situation. It is the thought “I am happy that you are happy. May it continue and deepen”

We’ll explore this meditation in this Monday’s class. Looking forward to seeing you there.

Loving yourself where you are right now

This week we continue with the theme of compassion. Since leaving the monastery and being open to romantic relationships I’ve realised just how much the longing to be held and loved comes from the unheard parts of my being looking for comfort. The less I hold these parts of myself the more they look out for another to provide that comfort. But then I have the dilemma that any love I am offering is not unconditional, it is based very much on the condition “if I am kind to you you will love and hold me”. It is the attitude of a child who is trying to fix its pain, not realising how controlling or manipulative this attitude might become. If I want truly to be able to love another, I am starting to learn that first I have to love myself. I have heard this said so many times, but to start to feel it is something new and makes me realise that if I want to meet another as an adult rather than as a child and be held in a mutual and mature relationship, whether that be with friends or a partner, then I need to learn to hold and embrace all that is here in me, including the fear that comes up when I start to enter into a closer relationship!

After last week’s class I was given a delayed Christmas present, Pema Chodron’s ‘A Guide to Compassionate Living’. It was one of those synchronistic moments as I started to read the opening pages as she spoke with such eloquence about themes I had been thinking about recently and wanted to bring to the group. The opening couple of pages are so beautiful I’ll share them here in a slightly abridged form:

“We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves – the heavy duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds – never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time the warmth and brilliance is right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.

When we hear about compassion, it naturally brings up working with others. The reason we’re often not there for others – whether our child or our mother or someone who is insulting us or who frightens us – is that we’re not there for ourselves. There are whole parts of ourselves that are so unwanted that whenever they begin to come up we run away.

Because we escape, we keep missing being right here, being right on the dot. We keep missing the moment we are in. Yet if we can experience the moment we’re in, we discover that it is unique, precious, and completely fresh. It never happens twice.

Only to the degree that we’ve gotten to know our personal pain, only to the degree that we’ve related to our pain at all, will we be fearless enough, and enough of a warrior to be willing to feel the pain of others. To that degree we will be able to take on the pain of others because we will have discovered that their pain and our pain are not different.

However, to do this, we need all the help we can get…..”

The rest of her book is then a discussion of how we can learn to be with our own pain and hold that of others.

In this week’s class we’ll explore both how to hold our own experience with love and compassion and how to extend this out to others who may be suffering. In this way compassion reminds us that we are not alone, that thorough our suffering we can

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