Skip to content

Posts tagged ‘inner child’

Remembering to play!

We all did it at one time, and for many of us it is something we have grown out of. This week I’ve been chatting with a friend about play and he’s been talking about how he still likes to play hide and seek if he can find anyone who will play with him! It made me think of how much I miss that easy playfulness of childhood. As a gay man with no young relatives I hadn’t been able to explore play as an adult but over the last year I’ve volunteered with Beanstalk as a reading assistant in a school, meeting with three children twice a week for half an hour each. At the end of each session we would play a game, this was part of the Beanstalk approach, to make reading associated with fun. It has been great to experience that playful energy again. In one session we played tag and the fun of running around the playground and trying to avoid getting tagged was so refreshing! What was so lovely was to see how ready the children were to drop  into play mode.  As soon as I said reading was over and it was time for a game they would jump up and be asking what we would play.

I found it so easy to withdraw into seriousness and into myself as a teenager. Games suddenly meant playing football which terrified me or having to engage with the other boys which felt a threat. Even aged 10 and under I preferred to join the girls at break and play skipping rope games. I even took a doll in once but soon discovered that was a mistake!

One boyfriend of mine used to like to play at hiding when I came in and jumping out to surprise me.  It was such a lovely spontaneous and joyful way of being together, and as adults we perhaps need to have the trust of a close relationship to once again feel permission to play.

When did you stop playing? Or do you still feel able to connect with this child like playfulness? Where can you go to let yourself play? When I googled ‘adults playful’ mostly what came up was references to tantric sex! It’s telling that for many the notion of playfulness as adults is only linked to sex. And as fun as that can be what about that playfulness we felt as children that was about exploring, letting go into the moment and feeling joy?

 

50e5f5e0-f5a9-4e90-8453-fc31f414d07e

 

As part of the theme of falling in love with yourself, how about considering how you used to like to play and how you might reconnect with this energy now as an adult? My play used to be solitary – as an only child I had to entertain myself.  It was using playing cards to make huge card towers and temple complexes on the sitting room floor, or running around the house with a lego hand held communicator imagining that I was the commander of a space ship that was under attack. When my cousins visited we would play out scenes from Dr Who until Paul refused anymore as he was always the monster and his sister Nicola was always the beautiful assistant to my Dr Who! So there was a mix of quiet, focused and still play in the building of card temples, and energy and vitality in chasing monsters! I can see these different energies as I look at these photos of myself as a child. As well as an early tendency to enjoy getting dressed up in hats!

screen-shot-2017-01-30-at-10-52-01

I remember when play started to change, aged 10.  A friend came over and I had my lego town laid out ready to play a game. He looked at it and said it was for children and so I ended up playing alone as he sulked. I still wanted to be able to enjoy my lego town, but this made me think for the first time that perhaps it was time to stop playing with it and started a process of loosing touch with this type of childhood play, where my own imagination created the game.

As an adult how do I still connect with this? The stillness and focus is there in my meditation. But I’ve tended to neglect the more boisterous play and I don’t do anything the is about creating an imaginative senario. Five Rhythms dance on a Friday night is giving me a way back to feeling the vitality and energy of play, and as it is interactive there is a chance to connect out to others in the dance in ways that are playful and boisterous.

I also like to bring some of this into my friendships but there is space for more!

How do you connect with your playfulness? Where does it show up in your life and where could you make more space for it?

Let the Inner Child Rescue You

Last week at the social after the class someone said that they had been interested in my comment in that week’s email about the change my mother saw in me as I went from a child into my teens – loosing some of my spontaneity and becoming more guarded and watchful. I thought this would be an interesting area to reflect on this week. I notice in myself a fear that in my core is something that is dark and wrong and that my self investigation will open me up to feeling this pain or fear or struggle. But looking back at photos of myself as a child I see a child full of energy, vitality and joy. Perhaps it is the adult who has learnt to look out at the world as a fearful place but deeper in me there is still this trusting, spontaneous energy just wanting to be able to express itself.

I’m currently reading ’10 smart Thing Gay Men Can do to Improve Their Lives’. In this the author, Dr. Joe Kort, references a book by Harville Hendrix, ‘Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles’. In this Hendrix describes how we develop a “fugitive self”, a part of us that has to go into hiding out of a belief that it it is not wanted by our parents or the society around us. If our parents give us the message we are loved as we are then we can express ourselves fully, but as we get messages from them or from our social circles or society that some things are not allowed then we send this part of ourselves into  hiding. So much so that we may forget we ever felt it and it becomes the ‘fugitive self’. Through being denied it goes into the shadow and what was once a joyful vibrant energy may start only to be able to find expression in risky behaviour, breaking rules, or is projected out onto others in terms of what we admire or condemn. It’s often said that what we most dislike in others is what we have denied in ourselves or made wrong in ourselves. Perhaps some of our issues with Chem sex and risky sex is the child trying to find a way back out to play, to connect and be spontaneous, when it has been buried so deep we no longer live from that energy.

If you had asked me to describe myself as a young adult in my 20s I would have said I was introspective, anxious, lacked confidence, and was socially awkward. I could not start a conversation, was convinced people thought me boring and that I had nothing of any interest to say. I would stay silent in groups and not know how to join a conversation. Trying to dance or be spontaneous filled me with horror. I admired people who didn’t care what others thought, who could just speak their mind and be themselves. Yet I also found them annoying – their self confidence and ability not to care what others thought seemed conceited and arrogant.

Looking back I can see how as a teen I started not to trust myself to act spontaneously. I knew there was something about my attraction to the other boys at school that was not socially acceptable and I feared slipping up – allowing this part of me to be seen. So I put up a false front. I started acting the part of me rather than living as me. And so the spontaneous and joyful energy that was there as a child started to be controlled, edited, questioned. Rather than simply being, I would ask myself how should I be in this moment and then acted my part.

Screen Shot 2016-07-24 at 17.14.22

When I look back at these photos of myself I see a little boy full of fun and energy. I see a boy who was ready to play and even push the norms of social behaviour – getting my neighbour to dress up with me in my mum’s old evening dresses! I remember my mother telling me that his father was not happy about it but she felt it best that I get it out of my system now than be made to feel it was wrong.  Whilst I’m grateful for not being shamed out of doing it this comment did still give me a message that it was alright to do now but was something I should grow out of.

little me 5

By the time I was 11 this spontinatey had started to be replaced by a guardedness. It started to feel that I was only safe at home, where I could still let go and spend an afternoon dressing my step-sister as a Greek Goddess, but I could not let this self be seen outside at school, where I increasingly shut down and withdrew into myself. Fortunately my mum thought it was great and took this photograph out in the garden. But life was starting to be divided into my inner word where I felt safe and the outer world of school and society where I did not feel able to be ‘me’.

little me 6

Perhaps it is not that I have to rescue the inner child, but that I need the inner child to rescue me! To welcome that joyful and spontaneous energy back into my life. And to be happy for it to be seen. Over the 10 years since I left the monastery this is what I’ve been exploring and recently I do feel so much happier and more able to let go.

The theme for the Summer is falling in love with yourself. For my meditation this week I’m going to be looking at these photographs and feeling the joy and spontaneity I see in them and welcoming that back. Perhaps if you have photographs of yourself as a child look to see what energy is there that you might want to connect back to, to love that part of yourself that may have been hidden at some point as the ‘fugitive self’ – release it from the mind made prison and remember that as Blake says “energy is eternal delight” and welcome that energy back into your life.

The video below is of a song my massage therapist played at the end of the first few sessions of energy healing work. It put me in touch with the feeling of loving the little me the took on so many messages from the word that he was wrong, or made himself wrong as a way to explain why his father was not there – “if I had been a good boy Dad would not have left me”. Instead I can see that this little life force was simply what he was, a beautiful expression of life energy. And this energy is still here, just wanting to play, to find expression, to be free.

%d bloggers like this: